Boycott all things! Marketing slogans are stabbing my heart!

So I was fuming about Gillette this morning. They're all like, "check us out, it's the best a man can get," and I was like, "Gillette, your brazen sloganeering is a feeble gloss atop deceit and lies!" I've been a Gillette hater for some years now, ever since they tucked tail and fled to cheaper locales in the wake of NAFTA, otherwise known as The Deal That Allows Manufacturers to Produce their Cheap Goods more Cheaply. TDTAMTPTCGMC meant that companies like Gillette could make their low-grade disposable products in the peace and quiet of destitute foreign villages, not far from the border where they might lob their goods north into Fred Meyers and Walmarts. Anyway, why do we put up with these nonsensical slogans?! Life's short, probably too short to care about such trivia, but something tells me it's these bloody marketing slogans which are killing me in a way. Are we to believe that the best this life has to offer, for us males at least, are armpit deoderants and disposable razors?! Quickly Gillette, hand me your High Performance, Mach 19, Turbo, Ultra, Fusion, Power razor so that I might slice at my wrists with it.

While I'm on the topic, no discussion of the idiotic marketing plague in which we live would be complete without pointing an accusative finger at the Canadian behemoth Tim Horton's. For years now they've been shoveling the lie about freshness down our bovine throats. "Always fresh, always got time for Tim Horton's" goes the jingle, sung by some insipid devotional singer, as if between takes of "Moment Made for Worshiping" and "Amazing Grace." Are they trying to induce us to eat their poisonous doughnuts or to break into tears (Much like campy Folgers Coffee ditty of years gone by)? Beginning in the 1960s, Tim Hortons has successfully established itself as Canada's premier establishment for simple, crappy food, just like olden times. For a while it was indeed true that their fried sugar treats could be obtained "fresh" in that they were fried on location. But in modern times, with the constraints of competition ever pushing producers to save on quality and costs, Timmy's has tightened its belt around its pudgy waist. Now all the frying happens at a factory in Ontario from whence its dispatched across the country, into the waiting mouths of clamoring freshness seekers. Oh, they reheat them, to refresh them I guess. How can Tim Hortons insist on referring to their products as fresh? Who cares? No one, or few of us anyway. Gotta have our Timmys!

We're generations deep in this mire of worm-tongued sloganeering. Everyone has heard about the continuing ebb of our attention spans: "The average commercial changes scenes every 1.5 seconds," "Presidential debates have become soundbytes," "Everyone's got ADD." So culture reflects society and society reflects culture. We think we've got the attention spans of fruit flies and can quickly skim a few articles on the internet to convince ourselves of the fact. "I can't concentrate, here let me try, see, it's no good, I can't do it. Wanna get some Timmy's?" Thinking in canned expressions, cliches, is becoming a normal way to think. Perhaps this is why this constant bombardment of offensive stupidity causes such slight, feeble protest. We are not ducks and this crap isn't water. These slogans are polluting our ethos, diminishing the beauty this life has to offer.

So fuck off Gillette, your toiletry products are among the hordes, great piles and stacks of stuff available to us men. Folgers your low-grade cheap bulk coffee is not the best part of waking up. And please Tim Hortons stop saying you serve fresh food; Food that hasn't yet been eaten doesn't equal fresh, it's like saying that Knowingdoing is always worth reading.