Unreasonable not to have considered global recession

It's official: The Canadian government has determined that leaving my previous job was "unreasonable" and so refuses to issue me employment insurance. Let that be a lesson to you! First consider the global economy before making a change in your life. Had I placed my finger on the fluttering pulse of Wall Street investment markets perhaps I would have made a more reasonable decision. So given the ramping up of my desperation I propose to use knowingdoing as a vehicle for advertising my employable talents and skills. Here's what I bring to the job.

To Whom It May Concern:

It is with arrogance that I apply for the position of anything I can get.

During university I spent considerable time sleeping in, procrastinating and finally rushing through what little work I was responsible for. Here I gained experience in barely completing tasks, putting things off until the last minute and cutting corners wherever possible. Not only did I hand in assignments at the last minute, but I rarely submitted anything according to the prescribed requirements. I skimmed the syllabus and ignored looming deadlines. Perhaps my most significant skill in this regard was the righteous indignation I would display when receiving my below-average grades. I did my best to make the situation as awkward as possible, thereby ensuring a palpable tension in class which worked to the detriment of all.

I pride myself on being late for everything. If there's a meeting in which I'm expected to participate, I promise to arrive halfway through it. As I loudly shuffle in, I will make as much commotion as possible with the intention of distracting everyone present. When asked by coworkers for help I will sneer and issue forth a stream of nasty invective. Asked by superiors I will be all smiles until they turn their backs, after which time I will curse them and display my middle finger. I am particularly good at putting in a half-assed effort, I can guarantee that my work will exhibit large and significant omissions, which someone else will be expected to correct. I am highly adept at passing the time playing sudoku and surfing the internet. I neither work well alone, nor in groups.

Personally I would bring to this position an unrelenting cynicism and willingness to actively sow seditious attitudes in my fellow coworkers. Unmotivated and irritable, I rarely listen to the words being spoken but read a deeper meaning in them, assuming that a request such as, "Erasmus, would you please photocopy that purchase order?" actually means, "Erasmus, I'm an idiot, you should be in charge." I am slovenly with outstandingly disgusting personal hygiene, I rarely bathe and brushing my teeth is taboo. If someone makes the slightest remark about the foul smelling odor wafting from my cubicle, I immediately take action, filing grievances and issuing formal complaints to my superiors. I regularly call in sick.

If you think I would make a good fit you are out of your mind.

Sincerely,

Erasmus Herzen