Revealed: My thoughts on pigeons

Pigeons aren't very charming. Everyone knows this. At least when we're talking about those nondescript city pigeons anyway. It's possible that their more legendary cousins, the homing pigeons, are somewhat endearing. I'm kind of charmed by the idea that a pigeon can fly back to where it comes from like boomerangs, especially if she has a little note attached to one of her legs. I'm completely charmed when I imagine a more experienced homing pigeon which not only carries the heart-felt poetry of love, but which gingerly holds her leg up to allow the smooth removal of the note. I would probably love that pigeon. But back to the point, most pigeons elicit very little sympathy from me.

Let's consider the city pigeon to generate a clearer picture of why they are so drab and unimpressive. Well in the first place, they are extremely arrogant. Just yesterday a particularly brazen one marched directly towards me, playing a kind of pigeon-chicken, if you will. I couldn't believe it would press my patience in this way, but it held to its path almost to the point of collision. I had to jump out of the way at the last minute, so close was the little beast from walking on my toes. So they think they own the world. That's my first bone of contention.

The second one is that they are greedy pigs. Food is the only thing on their minds obviously, that's why most of them are unattractively plump. Their chests look overstuffed; I doubt they need all that muscle for flying, more likely they're stomachs are full to bursting which gives them their stout appearance. One simply can't leave a crumb laying around anywhere, say for a squirrel or raccoon, without some silly pigeon catching wind of it and pecking at it before you know what's happening. I don't know how they know when I'm dropping crumbs, but as soon as I grind the stale particles of bread between my fingers, a flock of them are frantically strutting at my feet, catching the crumbs as they fall. It's a conspiracy, they know too much. Also, it's really annoying how they're always going on and on about food. Get a life already, stupid pigeons.

My list of things I resent about pigeons is never ending, but not wanting to tire the poor reader, I'll mention just one last issue. This is probably my least favorite things about them, and as a reader familiar with my opinions might guess, it has to do with the gender divide. Male pigeons are insufferable brutes! They flare they're neck feathers, as though it made them more attractive, and bully and boss any female who happens to be in their midst. Of course, the lady pigeons are thinking only of food and seem to pay no attention to the monkeys flaunting their feeble skills. Sure the gloss on their neck feathers reflects a range of greens and greys and purples, but that hardly justifies their ridiculous display. They remind me of the foolish bull who just can't help itself from chasing after that red cloth. And male pigeons think they're so tough, they're always chasing rivals away from the female they pretend they own. I wish the females would stand up for themselves but its always food, food, food. Someone needs to teach those male pigeons a lesson.

The next time a pigeon crosses my path, I'll not stand down. Next time I'll make him get out of my way, see how he likes it! It will take some effort on the part of the pigeons to thaw my frozen heart.