Put down your socks and blackberries

I should have known from the socks pulled up high over his calves that I was dealing with an absurd man. From the start I was impressed by his skill in stretching those poor cotton fibers to their limits, so that the elastic at their openings were forced to cling desperately just under the knee. Above that, long tanned thighs proclaimed to the world "Here I am!" before darting back under his multi-pocketed khaki hiking shorts. Man those socks were pulled high! But there were other signs of his fantastic absurdity. The first was his voice, a low baritone full of good cheer and unnecessary commentary which he would call out unpredictably and often. Here's just one example: After one speaker finished her short presentation, she asked if there were any questions. The absurd man's hand shot up, like a marlin attacking a panicked ball of mackerel: "Do we have to speak as fast as you do?" I was taken aback when a few fledgling absurd people laughed a little, but their laughs were exactly nothing when compared to our subject's rich and oaky guffaws. His laughter filled the room, I felt I was drowning in his humor. The man could not be more delighted with his awkward attempt at hilarity.

But all this is only the appetizer before the main course, which was this: When the absurd man sat in his chair, can you guess how far his legs were spread? You know what I'm getting at and you can probably imagine it. We're talking gymnast flexibility here, I think he managed 180 degrees from the hips on occasion, and all with a good natured grin beaming from his face. I was deeply impressed by his display, and I wondered what caused him to showcase his crotch so brazenly to those gathered. What delicate goods required such unconstrained freedom? Was it the lotus blooming for a moment before its eternal sleep? The best part? I think his socks climbed even higher as his thighs spread wide. One day I'll write a taxonomy of the absurd man, and his tight socks will be my measure. Oh, of course he wore a fanny pack, not around the waist but over the shoulder, desperado style. What a treat.

But this absurd man is not the purpose of this post, rather it was the absurd young woman who sat not far from him. Though they both partook, and indeed seemed very familiar with those remote horizons of oblivious public behavior, this young woman's absurd display seems to me to be a more common variety and deserves some description and perhaps even some prescriptive advice. The essence of her absurdity rested in her incessant thumb tapping on her mobile device. She absolutely needed to be in two places at once, and thankfully the technology exists for purchase which allows this previously impossible feat. It was amazing. Not for a moment did her pink-encased device lower from its position 10 inches from her face. How my heart wanted to help her, perhaps building some sort of harness on which the device could be mounted. Then at least she could shake her arms if they got tired without missing the instant a new message arrived, requiring her immediate consideration and response. Speaker after speaker told us about their doings and offerings, and she nodded occasionally, signifying her attention was indeed present.

What I take to be the core honey sap of absurdity in this case is that I believe she actually imagined herself to be present in both places. It seems to me that she thought she was conveying the appearance of careful attention though she most obviously resembled a 10-year-old drooling in front of his hand-held gaming device. What taboos allow her to pretend this feat? Has no one ever asked her, not a stranger but a friend even, if she actually believed she was paying attention? What if I had brought my laundry to the meeting and proceeded to fold, hang and even iron, offering the odd nod as a token of my attention? Would this be socially acceptable? I think someone might tell me: "Hey, put your laundry aside for a moment and pay attention." That would be reasonable. Yet with these communicative instant messengers, people are able to essentially hang their laundry and pretend they're present and attentive. What a strange thing! The entire one hour passed in this way, pink device in hand, thumbs regularly tapping away, the occasional glance toward the speaker (not 4 meters away I should add) and a nod of pretend understanding.

We are living in the eye of this technological revolution and notwithstanding the wistful science fictions of wannabe prophets, yes you Ray Kurzweil, time needs to pass before any of this will make sense. One thing that cannot be disputed about the ascendancy of mobile communication technologies is the extent to which they are affecting (may I hold back from claiming 'transforming'?) our interpersonal communications. One commentator has referred to it as "our relentless access to others—and them to us." This seems to me to be as good as any slogan for describing what's happening to us. But I want to say that this ability to instantly access others does not necessarily imply that it should be this way. Aside from the obvious argument around emergencies - exactly how the companies that provide these products and services sold adults on the idea that their children needed phones - it's hard to understand what circumstances justify that absurd woman's relentless accessing of whoever received the bulk of her little notes. If she was giving a real-time account of the meeting, I would claim the information passed on would barely reach the level of approximate. Unless she has been trained in the short hand of a stenographer, I sincerely doubt the effectiveness of simultaneously taking in, understanding and informing others of what is being explained at exactly the same moment. And if she was in two completely separate intellectual environments, the flesh-and-blood meeting and whatever conversation causing her to tap her thumbs so, I doubt she had much success in either of them. But then what's success, right?

Surely these technologies are opening enormous possibilities for communication, instant and otherwise. But equally as surely, marvelous technologies do not imply a concomitant new age of human consciousness, where comprehending and understanding are the same as explaining and conveying. All things in their time text tappers! Pull down your socks and put down your blackberries, at least for one of the instants of your day.